Boundaries
are an important part of creating a life that works well for you. Boundaries are
lines of protection that you draw in your life. You decide what is and isn't
okay and then hold people and yourself to these boundaries. Developing this
skill is an important part of living a life you love. The first step is to
decide that you value yourself enough to draw these lines and the second is that
you value others enough to teach them how to be with you.
1. Be
compassionate
Setting
boundaries can be an act of compassion. You are a teacher...teaching others how
to be with you and modeling an important skill for effective communication.
Being compassionate and setting boundaries can go together. Empathize with where
they are coming from and set the boundary.
2.
Charge neutral
When you
are setting a boundary it is critical that your voice be charge neutral. If
there is a charge to your communication then the message can get lost and the
clarity of the boundary becomes clouded. Practice speaking without a charge in
your voice so it feels natural.
3.
4-Step model
Use this
4-step model to set boundaries. It is simple and effective and can keep your
communication on track and guide you through the process of setting and holding
to your boundary. After you have defined your boundary follow these steps: (1)
Inform the person that you have a boundary, (2) Request that the boundary be
respected, (3) Insist that the boundary be respected and (4) Leave or end the
interaction with the person at this time.
4.
Practice
Find
someone with whom you can practice setting a boundary. Practice your new skill
and when you get more confident then start setting boundaries with others in
your life. Start setting boundaries with people who will offer little resistance
and then move up to more challenging people. Get a feel for what it is like to
draw the line.
5. Body
language of confidence
Watch
your body language. Do your shoulders slump? Do you look down when you are
talking? Do you mumble? Do you fidget? Start becoming aware of how you come
across. You want your body language to communicate confidence, so challenge
yourself to hold you shoulders back, sit up straight and make direct eye
contact.
6. Use
"I" statements
When you
are speaking, be responsible for the words coming out of your mouth. Make
"I" statements that reflect how things effect you, what you believe,
or your ideas. "You" statements can put people on the defensive and
detract from effectively communicating a boundary.
7. Don't
take things personally
How
other people behave, act, and think often has nothing to do with you. It has to
do with their life experiences, their beliefs and the agreements that they have
made with the world. You can be responsible for your own communication and yet
not take it personally.
8. Find
your own words
Listen
to how others talk, learn different ways to language what you want to say and
read how others communicate and set boundaries. Then develop your own way to
speak...find your own voice and your own style of expression. That way it will
be natural for you.
9. Don't
assume responsibility for others
Don't
assume responsibility for other people's feelings. Again this has much more to
do with them and their views of the world. Create clear direct ways of
communicating and allow others to feel how they choose.
10. Be
aware of your own sensitivity
When you
first begin setting boundaries you might be very sensitive to what people ask of
you or how they relate to you. You have opened up a new awareness and you may be
viewing your communication in a completely new light. This is great, but it can
also get in the way if you jump ahead in the 4-step model or your new
sensitivity affects the charge of your voice.
-by
Coach Jamie
McGarvey
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